NOW AND FOREVER

NOW AND FOREVER

The elegance of her dancing hit me that evening on my way to work, she was the sight that made my heart stop for a bit, the wonder that seized my breath; she was!

The music she danced to was a crappy one, but you wouldn’t know that from the marvel she was weaving; she made the song seem better than what God’s own angels will ever sing.

Her long hair buzzed about her like a halo of black, her waist writhed like a well-oiled screw setting through its inch-perfect tunnel , the sweat on her brow trickled down her face, some falling as she moved, some streamed down her finely-sculptured tower of a neck.

Then she threw her head back, let a chuckle escape her lips to reveal neatly arranged teeth, not clear white, but a sparkly creamy-yellow.

Her tight-fitting blouse carefully led the eyes about the lithe tone of her body, her shaped arms, her gently rising small breasts, and the valley-flatness of her stomach – all calling to be seen, to be loved.

Her brown satin skirt flared as she danced, it swooped about her legs like a whirling carriage; its lacy edge caught the wind and made it moan something sensual, her legs shot out from beneath the skirt and stamped gently on the sand, forming a dark brown cloud of dust at her feet.

It was a beautiful sight to watch.

I waited, watching, even as I knew I was getting late for my shift.

She was a stranger, I’d never seen her till that moment but nothing in this world had seemed more known or intimate to me than how I felt about her.

As she danced with her friends, she must have seen me watching her intently- because she winked at me and that was the very moment my breath ceased and my heart stopped.

Have you ever touched a live wire – and experienced that shock that shakes you from your head to your very soul?- that shock, I felt it the first time he kissed me. As his lips caressed mine and his hands wrapped around my shoulders and he patiently probed through my lips with his tongue, gently sucking on my lips- my soul tingled!

His eyes, which were like brown chocolate drops in wild, stormy oceans of cream – had lost their wildness, just before he kissed me. It became this butter- cream pool, melting with passion, addled with lust.

He’d swallowed- just like I did, as he came closer.

The world ceased to be for us that moment, it crumbled into the intensity of his breathe as our faces grew closer. His eyes closed, mine too did –one lived in this world with one’s eyes open, but one loved with one’s eyes closed, trusting.

We were standing by the door of my apartment- my parent’s really- when it happened. I remember a chill breeze passed just before the wildness in his eyes evaporated, I remember the remnants of the laughter still stuck to his lips being swept away, I remember my wanting him to step closer- my body calling out loudly for him to still its’ want. And he obliged.

As his lips dissolved into mine and our tongues met- I lost myself and became one with him. When he withdrew, it felt like being let go from a plane without a parachute, it felt like gravity was an intruder into a sacred ceremony.

I was slightly dizzy the moment after. I should have leaned on him or on the wall, but my head took over then: I would show no weakness, I would smile as if it was just another awkward slobbering, I would be calm.

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And he too smiled; he let himself take a step away, he let  the devil dancing in his eyes, back in. We said our goodbyes, I waved and he left. But he had put fire in me- a fire he would someday have to stoke, again.

They have said many things about love, and I believed a whole lot of them –  until I met her.

I’d met her dancing, and I’d known her and loved her since; well, I thought I did. Then I really did meet her.

That evening, we did not plan it so; we were comfortable with our casual selves, though there was the infrequent kiss, the gaze of wanting at the other; we toyed at the fringes of lust, but never went in truly.

And all it took was a song, a stupid retro song. And God, did she love to dance?!

Naturally, I was a klutz compared to her – I moved in angles, she glided with grace.

And as we danced, to Bruno Mars’ Treasure, my hands slid over her breasts, and feinted about her back. Innocent moves, except you are laughingly dancing to the sirenic beats of ‘Treasure’ …then they are the tinder of passion…it ignites.

She rested on me, held my waists and tried to move it to the music…the devil in me was invoked. We had no chance.

I just wanted to make him dance, is that so bad?

But he suddenly held my shoulders, brought my face up by the chin and our eyes held.

That devil in his eyes was fully awake, an alluring darkness rose in his whole aspect; instinctively, I knew this was it.

His hands swung to my back and jerked me to him, I could not resist. I let him crush his thirsty lips on mine, I crushed back though.

His hands fell to my thighs and picked me up. He carried me to a table top, one of his hands rose to my hair, and he tussled it up as our lips stayed locked together.

His lips suddenly moved down to my neck, he began to dispense these soft nibbles about on it; then he moving upwards while whispering something wicked, he traced my ears with lingering kisses from his lips.

If I had any resistance to him, If…in those moments it began to wilt, and crumble. I was His.

Many think that going down on a girl is all there is to excite her, but they have not had soft lips cuddle theirs ever so closely, ever so teasingly; they have not had those same soft lips marauding about their ears and necks, humming sweet damnations to them.

They would not say the same after that, I swear!

Me, I did not want him to stop, so I drew him closer, I felt his hands reach for the buttons of my shirt but they hesitated, then stopped. He rose from me, stared into my eyes, smiled and promptly tore my shirt…

This wasn’t ordinary, not just a boy and girl having sex. I knew this was a moment I would put up in the highlights of my life when I lie on my death bed. I had to make it special. My blood was racing, i felt  like a kid in a candy store- I wanted everything, and I wanted it now.

But I knew that would make this divine moment a quick flash- gone before it started…so I stopped kissing her, and I tore her shirt…I wanted to see it all first…the heaven I was going to…

I saw horror flash through her eyes, then a quick realization: this was no road we had ever walked before…virgin territory beckoned.

now and foreverWe lie there after, rhapsodic. His hands around my shoulders, my head on his stomach. Right there on that bed, my parent’s bed, I had seen stars swimming by, I had felt inconceivable happiness. This moment was the warmth one feels after a great flame has burnt itself up. I stared at the red droplets on his crotch and thighs, my blood. I had given him what no other man would get from me, I had made him my perfect first and i felt no regret. I smiled and let go of all thoughts, i wanted to enjoy this quiet moment, I wanted to just be.

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She was not my first, I was hers. But I had not known anything like her, such vitality, such unashamedness, she gave herself, outright! I knew that this was, indisputably, the best i had ever had, Now, she laid on my chest, asleep, and i wanted to take this memory, this moment, cut it off from the mundane-ness of our normal lives and seal it up in some hidden, precious place. But time rolled on, and I had to leave now, her family would soon be back and I knew we could not be seen like this.

So i gently moved her head onto the bed, and proceeded to pick our clothing that was torn or scattered all over the floor. I dressed up and wrote a note for her before leaving.

That day, I walked on clouds.

Looking back, I know it was easily the most beautiful day of my life.

I woke up alone. At first I was scared and sad but when I saw the folded note on the nightstand with my name on it, I grew curious. I began to read it.

My Love,

This is for you:

“Tell the ignorant doubters,

That there is a heaven

And i have been there…

There, with you.

For what could be more divine,

Than the spectacle of your pleasure

The rocking laughter…

The mirthy quivering of your body?

What could be more sacred,

Than the communion of your kiss

The ecstasy of your touch?

Yes, heaven, holy heaven,

Is the rapturous kindling of our skins –

The alleluia of our sublime union,

Clinching to each other, gasping in delight,

Our bodies singing immortal satisfaction,

Arching at that height of release…

Us, swooning through the golden streets of a climax

Knowing we are home –

Knowing you are heaven…My heaven!”

Loving you forever,

Me

I held the letter to my face, smelt it and kissed it. I did not know when tears began to drop down my cheeks or when I held the letter with such force it wrinkled in my hands.

I was just getting home from work, later that evening, trying to make a meal for myself when I heard a knock. Though I was expecting no visitor, I still sauntered to the door to see who it was. It was her, and the moment the door opened, she flew onto my neck and hung there for a minute, laughing. I was happy she was here but I was also alarmed. Her parents would never allow her out at this time, not to speak of allowing her to my place.

I asked her if everything was alright, and she said it was perfect. She had sneaked out of the house because she just wanted to be with me, she had been missing me. I was glad and told her to stay, though I knew the responsible thing was to tell her to go back home.

We finished cooking together and ate together. It was fun, better than I could imagine…and as we snuggled together in front of the TV, watching some movie on Africa Magic, I heard the crash of a window in one of the bedrooms of my flat. We became afraid.

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Aggressive knocks followed from the backdoor.

I was still trying to understand the situation when a masked man burst through my door. He was holding a gun and two other equally armed, masked men were with him.

We cowered before them, and he tried to shield me from them, but one of them came to him and dragged him back to them.

Their leader began to talk. He identified him by a strange name and accused him of writing bad things against their master. He wasn’t bearing the name he was being called and he was a Biochemist working in a Food company so he could not write anything against anybody. As he started to say he wasn’t the person they were looking for and that one of his neighbors upstairs was a journalist, the invaders’ leader raised his gun at him.

I began to scream.

The man shifted the gun towards her and as i saw his hands move to depress the trigger, I blindly jumped to protect her.

In those micro-seconds, I felt a tug on my chest and ribs and saw blood spatter sharply from my side.

And as my body fell from the dive i had made, i saw that just behind me, where my lover stood, she had jerked to rigidity and then began to fall on her knees.

I instinctively tried to make for her and stop her fall, but that was when i felt a sudden shortness of breathe, and a desperate need to cough out fluid from my lips. I did, the fluid was red, it was blood. I had been shot.

She fell and I could not stop it.

I looked at my chest and saw the clean drive of the bullet through my side, passing through my lungs and exiting.

No other shot sounded and no one had been near enough to my lover to bring her down, so I immediately realized the bullet that went through me had hit her. I crawled towards her, growing weaker with every move till I was by her side, then I saw the red patch on the left side of her chest, just at the rise of those little breasts of hers.

Her eyes had lost its focus, her lips were frothed with blood too; I tried to hold her, to miraculously stop the bleeding, to give her back all she had lost. But i knew it was useless, she was dead.

I wrapped my hands around her body- that body that had been the fount of my pleasure just earlier today- and laid by her . It was then I noticed that the invaders were gone and we had been left alone to die.

Tears began to fall down my cheeks , but it only made more blood leak out. So I just held her, wishing I could undo what was done.

Wishing that I had sent her back home when she had come; that we had not gone down paths that would make her miss me enough to have come; that we had not known each other; that I had not loved her; that I had not seen her dancing; that I had died alone.

Then, the thoughts stopped and a nothingness began to envelope me. I had lost too much blood, death was near….but since she was dead, I knew it was okay if my heart stopped beating, now and forever.

 

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My Diary: 17th August, 2019.

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