The Old Woman Who Lived in a Tree

The Old Woman:

There was an old woman who lived in a tree, she only had one child but she still did not know what to do. You see, the shoe was given to her by the CEO of the Nike shoe networks.

It sprung up from a political deal between he and some local government chairman in fairy land. You see, their mayor, that is of fairyland, was a bear who enjoyed gingerbreads but the greedy bastard, he didn’t just want any ginger bread, I mean, he got all he wanted of those, he wanted the ginger bread man.

I’m sure you thought that guy was dead, the gingerbread, you thought he was eaten by that fox who took him across the river, no. It was just a story and the ginger bread was collecting his dues for the story every month.

It was fetching him a lot of money, you know, he had three houses, one at the forest were the three bears lived, one on Cinderella’s formal street and a beach house. He didn’t go to the beach house much, why? he doesn’t like the water. So the mayor, some yogi bear who liked ginger breads had the gingerbread man assassinated, just so he could eat him, covered up the whole shit, had the fox take the whole blame, said the fox ate him when they were on tour doing their thing. Fox said he did no such thing, but who are you going to believe, some sly fox or some cuddly Yogi bear.

Now word had spread that it wasn’t the fox who killed the gingerbread man but the Mayor and his term was running to an end and he couldn’t have bad rumours spreading around that would only have his vote’s cut short. So he confided with the CEO of Nike and on his campaign tour, he had the Nike guy get the old woman a new shoe, it was a white air force one with a big green Nike sign at the side.

The problem was that the….wait, why am I telling you all this, this is about the old woman isn’t it? Yea. So this old woman only had one child, she was divorced but not much came around in child support, the guy was not a fairy tale figure and she was not a major herself, she was just a simple nursery rhyme and the shares for her rhyme were down, so she was pissed and her child wasn’t making it any better.

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Truth be told, she was just a grumpy old woman. If she had twenty she complained, when she had ten she complained, when two of her children got contract deals to be Jack and Jill she still complained and now that she had only one under her care she was still complaining.

So she dressed up and decided to go to see her fairy god mother, went to ask her if she could have her child removed from her custody. She got there and her Fairy god mother welcomed her to her cramped living room. She had once been one of the queens in the business, but drugs and alcohol threw her down the drain.

“You haven’t quit smoking yet” She commented, waving at the foggy blue smoky air.

“I know, I know” Her fairy god mother said with a heavy British accent. “What can I offer you?”

“Oh, I’ll have anything…Anything that isn’t alcoholic.” She laughed at her joke, but stopped unnaturally when she saw that her fairy god mother didn’t see the humour in her little joke, she would honestly be lucky if she still had ten clients at the end of the year.

To think she was once Cinderella’s fairy god mother, that had been some money, but then her drinking problems and all, Cinderella did not want to be associated with such a social eyesore. So after her contract was up she ditched her and found another of those classy fairy god mothers.

Her current fairy god mother sued Cinderella, said she unfairly terminated her contract, was asking for some big settlement, was the biggest case of the year. To cut the long story short, she lost the case to sweet cindy, the jury could not help but identify with the poor orphan girl who loved animals and sweet smelling flowers. Her fairy god mother’s lawyer had told her to be at her best behaviour during the trail, they didn’t wanted the jury to think bad of her. But she wouldn’t listen, she passed out in a bar one day when the defence was questioning the plaintiff.

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Worse, when Cinderella finally published her long awaited book, The life and Times of a Cinder Girl Vol. 1 she said that her fairy god mother had been a bit tipsy the night of the ball. Fairy god mother drowned in her booze the further and soon she was doing drugs, but I guess that is a story for another day.

“None of my clients ever visit me, so what brings you here, there has to be something serious” The old woman was quiet for a second, she had been caught. “Oh, have I taken your order? Rudy!” Rudy answered and appeared in a flash. Her fairy mother didn’t have to look up from her chair, her servant brownie was really short. “Ah, will you get my guest a drink. Will you take Melon juice?” She asked the old woman.

“Nah, it messes with my vibes”

“Oh, it does, that’s sad, cause melon juice is really…”

“yea, I know, I really wish I could have that. Do you have orange and pineapple juice.”

“Do you have melon- I mean orange and pineapple juice?” her fairy God mother asked Rudy.

“Ah, we should have pineapple, I don’t …”

“I can have pineapple juice too, don’t always get that much at this time of the year.”

With that the brownie left them. “So what brings you here” Her fairy god mother asked again, lighting another cigarette.

“Look, I don’t know if you can help me, but I want to have my child removed from my custody, he just interrupts my vibes all the time, the little bastard just…”

“Fibby!” Her fairy god mother said trying to sound surprised, she probably cursed far more than Eminem, but now she was on duty, she didn’t want her licence removed from her, if that happened she would surely go down the drain. “That’s not the way to address your only son!”

“Well” Fibby said looking down “I thought, I ..I just thought I could be natural with you at least, look I don’t want him anymore, and nothing can change my mind.”

They argued till the juice came, it turned out to be orange juice, the old woman almost exploded. “ I told you pineapple juice! What’s this orange shit.”

“I just thought, you wouldn’t mind orange since…”

“Of course she minds! You dirty bas..brownie. Go get something else!” She almost said dirty bastard when she said dirty brownie. They ended up having potato juice.


That was the only interruption to their heated argument. The old lady left her in a huff, she was dissatisfied, just like her last husband, he was no good in bed.

Another fact, she wasn’t that old, just fifty, if her shares hadn’t hit the bottom of the pool, she would have had liposuction and some other surgeries’ The thing is that the fairy god mother had a good point, if she released the child, then she would stop receiving any money for her rhyme, as that was one of the cancellation clauses. She would have her lawyer review the contract once more to see if there were some loop holes she could use.

As she was coming back, she saw people running around, she wondered why they were getting flustered for, there was no dragon scene around that part of the country, so what the heck. She asked some random child. “What happened?”

The child was close to tears, “The, the, the old woman’s house is on fire.” Fear and grief’s cold arms gripped the old woman and she suddenly felt very weak. “It seems as if, her son put the house on fire.”

“Are you sure?” she asked the boy close to tears “Gotcha!” he shouted “I knew you were the old woman, you believed me, you believed me. A house is on fire, the son seems to have put it on fire, but it’s not your house. I’m sure you’re relieved.” Hell she was, relieve washed her and she welcomed it’s soothing feel. Then she continued.

“Parent’s when they wouldn’t take care of their children how wouldn’t they put their houses on fire. All these useless people calling themselves adults.” She shook her head and continued her way home feeling self vindicated and righteous. If parents stopped grumbled and paid attention to their children, such would surely never happen.

In fact she wouldn’t mind going to the see those parents and give them a good scolding.

She took a short cut, so that she turned around a hedge before she could see her house. It was on fire, almost burnt to the ground.

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